No looking back

Hello poppit! It has been a long time since I visited my blog, and OMgosh, what happened then? There are a few bumps I have came across with along the journey. Some are pretty boring but girl, there are plenty of interesting things to share. Let me just sums it up, life is never boring! Each day I've gone through, they are new never the same.

I have cried, I have laughed most importantly, I've survived the long haul of separation and managed to pull a big smile on my face :-) Was it hard? Hell yes, to and from back and again with the same effing problems, but never have I looked back! I've said it many times, when it is over, it is over and do not expect me to look back to you for one second! It ain't worth my pennies.

For now, I am pretty much comfortable with where I am. I could be wrong, never be settled with anything mankind have given, their promises are just an empty wishing jar, you can fill it or you can leave it as it is. I think life serve by itself, alone, is the answer for me, for now.

A come back may be?

Oh wow, it has been 3 years and a bit since my last entry! A lot had happen, well, first of all I am divorced, yes you read it right. I am more settle with my little family, I am happier with my being :) And NO, I haven't got anyone new... should I? lol To be honest, I forgot all about this blog until a friend mentioned it to me recently. hahaha what a lot of self expressing (candidly), my sincere apology to you my readers if you felt sadden or uneasy with my entries. These are solely meant for my own reading as part of my healing process.

Anyway, since I discovered this today, I will definitely come back and write more, maybe a better and happy entries. I shall be back! In the meantime, may the Grace of God be upon you always. Thanks for reading xo

Be still, LISTEN

She rest her soul, sitting still, trying to listen and understand what really God has to say. She is not a loner, she is just happy to be just the way she is. Getting to the climax of her own predicaments. Happiness is at reach, she is ready to fly amongst other birds. This little bird is once again lost, she doesn't know or refuse to accept her real self. That she deserve to be happy and live life to the full. For now she is happy to let the door shut. You may knock, she may open but she won't let you in. She is trying to get away from all, she is turning vile from her thought. She is in pain, so much so she let herself down... many times. Pity her, why oh why does she have to suffer? Only herself could find all the answers.

God sent angels to help her. She was grateful but she didn't fully utilised all the helps she's gotten. She's stubborn, yes she is. How can she see that God really was and always is there. God heard her plea for helps, yes God provides all her needs and wants. Lacking in confidence, she strayed. Please come back, please come back. Such loss would only make things impossible to understand. Why oh why does she has to suffer?

She cried for hours, days. Do you hear her cries? NO. She refuses to let you know. So she dances in the rain, her own tears. Let it go, away from your broken heart. No one wants to understand her, her pains and her loneliness. Let all pray she would heal. Let her know that God is LOYAL and she has to be patience. God will provide, all she need to do is be still and LISTEN.

A Whisper

Self discrimination and destruction are merely at reach. Why do I feel so helpless? These feelings of unforgiven child, unwanted and love deprived are unacceptable. I do not want to waste my time relapsing and back into dark corner again after so much I have done (and friends) to climbed up high. Once my spirit soar, now I am in glum. I know there are so many things (good things) I am looking forward to, to the future. But in the same breath, I felt the heavy pain, dull and aching every inches of my system. They are killing me! Oh Lord, I cannot sustain these pain any longer. Please take them away, I pray every day just to be closer to Jesus my Saviour, yet I kept asking, where is God when it hurts the most? Have God overlooked at my worth?

I lists down all the good things, since I left x. Surprisingly and positively, I am doing a OK. Taking the top position is Freedom (from alcohol, criticisms and mental abuse)! Amazing how my decision to leave my husband have made a huge impact in my life so far. To be honest I don't hate him. I hate the fact that I married him for all the wrong reasons. I was adamant that he was going to treat me right and show me the world (of wonder). In my rebellious youth, I wanted to be taken away from my current life. I managed to get away, here I am again whinging about my life.

Of course life would get better as I get through the healing process. So they say! I felt as if I am going backwards. I am needy, felt helpless yet I am stubborn. I do not want anyone to help, I refuse to show the true colour, but why? It is the mask that I wore every single day in every different situations. I conceal my true feelings and say 'it's all good'! Where else, not everything is good. I don't want to be bombarded with goodwill wishes without any action taken/given.

I WHISPER to myself, no matter how intense my predicaments in life, I must celebrate each day I take my breath, praising God, life in itself is a mystery! Thank you Jesus. Amen.

Then...

And then I am single...

It is an interesting story to tell for those whom recently split from their partner or husband which ever you like it to be called. I am for one, now bearing the single mother title, I find it as a relieved not so much of a freedom but just the peace of mind. Away from the alcohol consumption environment, the ice dropped in the glass and slurping the satan's drink religiously as if it was the best ever (to be exact!) I do not miss that one bit, for sure that's what I wanted to say apart from the constant bullying, belittling and brain washing. All the crap, I am not missing a bit.

I do like my life as SM. I am managing, step by step and little by little. Every step I make is a progress to healing process. At this point, I am still awaiting for him to say 'I am sorry'! I guess I won't hear it from him for a long time. As the pride in him is bigger than his heart. X is an exceptional person (his own way), I am adamant the sooner he find someone the better for him. He has, I don't care. I care for the well being of my children not him (good on him, I am proud that he made progress of his own). Already they made plan to do this and that and to go here and there together. Fantastic! STOP THERE, not with my children thank you very much!

Talking to my shrink (great now everyone knows... lol), I am making progress in trusting a stranger. I am not completely opened up to him just yet but I'll get there. It is good to know there are people you could talk to with non judgemental reciprocate. I think it is better that way than trusting a friend that constantly judge you in a way, you are hurt in return. Bless ye friends!!

In time of need, conversational time with someone you trust, an assurance of a friend to be there, non received! and then to be looked down, that I will turn good will into sin! That just kill the appreciation. No doubt, we are all busy with our own agendas but...... do fill in the blanks!

The communities tend to judge newly separated person too. Bad or good, they call you names. The newest for me is 'I am being exotic'. Wow, that is one serve of racism against me. Just because I am different from you, doesn't mean that you have the right to call me as such 'exotic'. I'll take as being petite and pretty as compliments! I do not use this beauty to attract enemies. It is my way of being confident and appreciate God's gift and creation. Would it make any different should I turn up in rags, scarred face and all? Oh my, me being exotic! I am laughing... so much it hurts!

Well, I am on the mend. Bit by bit and step by step. Although everyday is a struggle, I trust in the Lord Jesus... He is the answer to everything.

To my faithful readers, come back again soon. I am taking a break for a bit. Haven't got a clue why, I will surely come back soon, promise!

Please pray for each other, love each other unconditionally. Embrace your day with a smile, greet each other with a kiss and peaceful heart. May the good Lord bless you and your family.

Cheers!

Loving unconditionally

The kingdom of God is nearer than you think. I believe God's kingdom is already here and it is within us who believed in Him. All religions believe that one day our universe is going to an end and someone who is Great is coming to judge the living and the dead. For Christians, that someone is Jesus, the Son of God!

Many have asked, how do we enter into the kingdom of God and to be amongst the righteous? Jesus only said two things, 1. Love your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength (found many of these verses in the new testament ie. Matthew 22:37, Mark 12:30) and 2. "Love your neighbour as yourself." (found in Luke 10:27, Mark 12:31, Matthew 22:39, Matthew 19:19) Will be back with this #2 in a while.

In the Lord's prayer, it begins with "Our Father in heaven, holy be your name, your KINGDOM come on earth as it is in heaven"... the KINGDOM of God is here. Surely, for us to enter into the Kingdom of God is firstly, we must LOVE God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength!

Secondly, LOVE thy neighbour as yourself. Some may literally thinks that our neighbour are just the people lives next door to us. Jesus is letting us know far more greater than just our 'handsome guy next door?'. Other religions are our neighbours, our relatives, friends, parents, and above all the enemies are our neighbours. How could we love our enemies as ourselves? They are after all our enemies! But as we know, Jesus sat and eat and preached among the unbelievers, the sinners and even they persecute Him and nailed Him on the Cross. Yet HE loved them and forgive them. This is the true example of a righteous person! His death saves us all!

When you think of it, we are far more better to love unconditionally! in 1 Peter 4:8 "Above all keep your love for one another fervent, because love covers a multitude of sins."

I myself have gone beyond all these teaching. I left my husband not because I didn't love him, I do love him so dearly and did LOVED him unconditionally! his values in life are different than mine. We just couldn't tolerate to live in the same roof for that very reason. He might have plenty of bad habits but it doesn't mean that he is a bad person. Sometimes when you're hurt you overlooked one's good stance.

Do I feel like a hypocrite? Yes I do sometimes. I hated myself and that reason, I couldn't move forward in forgiveness. Would be wise to say, I forgive you yet I couldn't stand the look of him? All the hatred and anger penetrated deep inside and only me alone can mend it. I long for that big relieved of looking into my eyes he would say sorry for all the things he'd done and ask for forgiveness. I prayed day and night, may that day come so that I could move forward. I do not wish to reconcile our marriage. There is no way I could go back to his life and pretend nothing happened. I rest my case!

May the grace of God teach me to be humble, to Love my neighbours as myself and above all to love God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength! Amen.

Withdrawn from anything.

I am aware of my personal attitude, I am withdrawing from anything. Should you ask me why? I cannot answer!

Family break ups and separation are not an easy path to embrace. Believe me! Although I've chosen this path with open heart, I have been praying hard if this is the right decision and deep inside me, I know God want me to go through this path for me to open my eyes and heart for another door. What door is it? Not the kind of door you're thinking of, as I have no intention of looking for another relationship while I am going through the process of healing.

I do not condone a rebound relationship right after separation. Separation is not an answer to find someone better to replace your old partner neither to please your own desires thinking that you're free from doing so. Trust me, I am still married and while separated I am aware should I commit any intimate relationship with someone I will be condemned as an adulterer. As christian, I look for fullness in God's grace. Yes I am lonely and the need for adult companion of the opposite sex is greater each day! I pray to God everyday and night to avoid any temptation. This then to allow myself to prepare for forgiveness for myself and for my ex. Sometimes I do get pissed off with God! HE is aware that I am angry. The lack of companionship, respect, tolerance, attention and most of all LOVE! I wasn't loved enough or was it I didn't offer enough love!

Why did God allow my marriage when He Himself know one day it ends with bitter separation? Why didn't God do enough to save my marriage? There are so many times there could be a chance that this marriage be saved, why was God absent? I was crying for help, unheard! Every time I prayed for, HE relieved me to another opened door. I knew this is what God want me to go through. My calling for help is unheard, he is too stubborn and I am at the edge of everything. I couldn't see any appealing excuses to stay.

Now that the adrenaline is gone, I find myself yet crying for help!

Heavenly Father, I pray for those who are lonely. Where they hasn't got anyone to call for. Their hearts are crying to be loved and cared for but none of us understand their suffering. Let them look for friendship in You, Jesus as You are loyal and understanding but in the meantime may we help these lonesome souls, heal them, love them and care for them. Let the friendships be fruitful. With Your grace and wisdom let us not fall into temptation. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Being happy

We all want to be happy. We all seek happiness in a thousand different ways, but we forget to look for it in the only place it can be found. Riches and glory and the goods of life cannot guarantee happiness, nor, can they save us from evils and sorrows. No friend can take from us the fear and danger of death.

God and God alone can give happiness, in life and death. He is the best of friend, the dearest friend. He wishes to give us happiness and He solemnly promises to give it to all who are devoted to Him. Read His Words and Promises, their meaning is clear. No one can possibly doubt them.

Jesus promises clearly to help us in our difficulties, to console us in our sorrows, to bless our undertakings, to give every one the help and graces necessary for their position in life. He promises every one, the graces necessary for the perfect fulfilment of their individual duties.

What more could we ask for?

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue, and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true!

I simply like this part of Judy Garland's song 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' famous in The Wizard of Oz movie (before my time> LOL).

I wish there is so called happy life beyond the blue skies, somewhere over the rainbow. I knew there is, of all the 7 complete colours there must be one tad of happiness. For this moment, I am coming to term of my final movement. Everything is happening, so quickly much to my liking. My heart is jumping out of joy yet at the same time, I am sadden to leave part of my life journey (so far) behind. Part of me asking, have I gone too far in making this decision? Will I be happy (to stay)? Will I regret?

Surely, this decision is made not only for myself but for my little ones. They deserve better life, better environment and better role model. I myself certainly deserve to live a happy life! I don't want to be a bitter person and punished people around me (including myself) for the rest of my life. It is better to stay single than to be in a wrong relationship. I am not saying that I am perfect, no one is and never will. But I have dreams in life, I like planning for my future and my children have the say for their future instead of being dull, no plans in life, no future and never moving forward! Life should be enjoyed moderately, in everything we do/does there is moderation. I dislike passive and pessimistic people. Always says, poor me, what about me type of attitude. When you chose to do something do it with open heartedness, sincerely and unconditionally. Seeing someone happy after you do your act(s) of love is far more rewarding than accepting some kind of 'in return' attribute. The happy faces, beaming smiles, eyes that glows they all tell different stories. That is appreciation! Sometimes paying someone an appreciation kind of stumble me because I thought (my own opinion) by being loyal, being listened for, doing all the house chores, looking and running after kids needs, foods on the table are some kind of appreciation?! Apparently they are not in some's itinerary.

I thought being young and pretty in his side are something I would say my kind of appreciation but it is not either. It made me a trophy, to show and paraded. It's some kind of show and tell really, this is my blah blah, isn't she pretty and young blah blah blah... For short while it was flattering to hear but when you learn in your real life, your are not treated the way you were paraded in front of everyone it is hypocrite really. I thought he would give the world to me, walk side by side with me, raising children with good moral, ethic and good role model for them to follow. Alas, the longer the relationship goes the more it became decrepit. I wish he tried to understand and change for the better. Oh well, it is a bit too late for any changes now. A bit of remorse now won't alter my decision. I have given him times, plenty of chances and each time he failed me (us) again. don't want to be dull and unmoved in life any longer. So, wisely to say I am making the right decision to leave him with his own business. Let it be a history, I want to re-write my own history. Being the happy person I am, for the better future and most importantly for my children.

Somewhere over the rainbow........