Brave action?

Today, I have decided, this is the right time to make the change. Big fat decision! As I walked along the corridor going to my destination, this hesitation came crushing uninvited; am i doing the right thing? Was I judging him too much? Does he deserve to be treated this way? Again and again they kept coming back and forth in my mind. I could clearly hear myself thinking! I stopped walking, I wanted to go back, I am so scared to got farther... Still standing there, traffic around me buzzing in and out of the street. I looked around, no happy faces, a couple passes by holding hand in hand, embracing love by kissing. I smirked, how long would that so called love lasts? Awaken by a deafening honk from a stupid car (he thinks his car is fancy enough to get the attention of me, not interested!), I question myself 'what do I want for my life?' Why do I have to feel sorry for making this decision now? Why do I have to doubt myself, again? I am adamant, my reasons stand strong! I refuse to be intimidated by him. I deserve a better life than this, always in fear and scared for my children's safety. I looked away, gave the biggest smile and marched on. This is it! My pain, it was too much to back off, I am not a scaredy cat! My tears dried up, who cares about my look, life must go on!

Surely I am making the right decision as I managed to complete lodging my application without further tears trickling down my cheeks. I felt relieved but scared at the same time. Why scared you may ask, this is after all my biggest and gutsy decision. The title of 'separated' is really not a good added clause in your CV. Because people do judge, am sure of it. I felt ungrateful because that is what he has planted in my mind. Ungrateful or not, I do not deserve to be treated like a low caste woman. I have my pride, I have my beauty, my morale is exceptional, I am loyal; what else does a man needs? You can carry on with your pride, your nest and pests, your arrogance and your ego!

I walked out PROUD! this is the new me, little may be but I have a big heart. God helped me yet again (thank you, always). HE is definitely present all the time I was doubting myself. His guidance was so clear. This is only the little step I've made today. The process is still long! Meanwhile, I will ask from God for forgiveness, to be healed as I am weary, mind, body and spirit!

There he is again my Angel of Hope, always believing in me. He couldn't give me for what I want but sure God is working through him. I know he is loyal to God, humble and strong in the Lord! I pray to Jesus, may his loyalty will be rewarded one day and he too can embrace the grace from God! HE will provide and never doubt, God has never forsaken His loyal follower.

The power

I like the quote I read today at a friend's page:

When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them;
sometimes when you feel safe and content, remember that someone has prayed for you.

I must say, sometimes I underestimate the power of prayers. I wholeheartedly offer my prayers every night and day, in every situation. When my heart is clouded by so many negative things, I offer my prayers to God, silently, sincerely! Still, I question myself and God, if my prayers really being heard, for I am a sinner and not worthy.

Prayers that are offered by friends and acquaintance are more acceptable and appealing to God. Because they believe, they are sincere, they are your circle of life. Without them, your existence is just like dust, following where ever the winds blow. No destination and always lost.

I praise my God, each time I think of you; and when I pray for you, I pray with joy!

Bird story

A flying bird with no destination, stopped by thunder raging up above. She sighed and chips away from the danger ahead, still she doesn't know where her destination would be. She scatter around for a little bit looking for a safe landing. Then, there it was again, thunder only this time accompanied by sharp lightning. She ducked under the trees hoping she'll be saved by the parasol of leafs. It was too late, her right wing was hit by the lightning. She started to drop and she hoped it wouldn't be a hard impact on the ground the least.

Down below the forest, an angel of hope sent by God walking by, he looked up as he heard a loud noise. It was only the thunder raging and lightning sounding simultaneously. The lightning made his eyes blink and at the same time he saw a bird dropping from the sky. 'Quickly', he said and ran to the place the bird might land. In the nick of time, he managed to grab the bird on his palms. She look terrified, not too sure as she almost certain that she will land hard on the ground. Thunder raging once again, lightning lit the forest for a second. The Angel of Hope grab hold of the bird so tenderly and lovingly. She still doesn't know it was God's hands. She was lost, she was hurt and she feel little and hopeless.

The rain started to drop, trickles at first then it teems. The Angel of Hope found shelter amongst the big trees, still holding on to her tenderly. Her tears wiped away by the rain, she was cold. Her pain was unbearable. She tried very hard to hide her pain by playing dead but he knows, how deep her sorrow is.

His prayers echoed all over the forest. His love penetrates deep in her heart, her faith lifted and she finally realised this Angel is indeed an Angel of Hope sent by God. She pour out her anxiety to him, she knows he will lift them up to the Lord. She was saved by faith, she was free! This freedom of eternal life with God. Before long, she said thank you and flew away. Only this time she knows where her destination is. To be with HIM and always will be.

Have faith, even if it's as little as seed, it'll grow bigger. Do not lose hope as there is an Angel of Hope in time you need him. God is great and His Grace is greater.

Making Amend

Sorry is not an easy word to say. When you are ready to ask for forgiveness, do it as sincere as you can. Do not say sorry because you want to make someone happy yet you didn't mean it. How many sorrys could you take before you know it was really a sincere 'sorry'?

I have lost my faith in human traits, they do not mean anything to me anymore. For the last thing you want is another hurtful 'I am sorry' (but repeating the same mistakes?). Very childish really. When you are truly sorry, say it as you meant it! Promised not to do it again, absolutely! Didn't it occurred to you that your being sorry is another cover up of your dishonesty? I am done of being fooled again.

I'll take you insincere sorry and pretend nothing happens hey? For goodness sake, begone with it. If you are not sorry for yourself, how can you expect me to accept your apologies?