Brave action?

Today, I have decided, this is the right time to make the change. Big fat decision! As I walked along the corridor going to my destination, this hesitation came crushing uninvited; am i doing the right thing? Was I judging him too much? Does he deserve to be treated this way? Again and again they kept coming back and forth in my mind. I could clearly hear myself thinking! I stopped walking, I wanted to go back, I am so scared to got farther... Still standing there, traffic around me buzzing in and out of the street. I looked around, no happy faces, a couple passes by holding hand in hand, embracing love by kissing. I smirked, how long would that so called love lasts? Awaken by a deafening honk from a stupid car (he thinks his car is fancy enough to get the attention of me, not interested!), I question myself 'what do I want for my life?' Why do I have to feel sorry for making this decision now? Why do I have to doubt myself, again? I am adamant, my reasons stand strong! I refuse to be intimidated by him. I deserve a better life than this, always in fear and scared for my children's safety. I looked away, gave the biggest smile and marched on. This is it! My pain, it was too much to back off, I am not a scaredy cat! My tears dried up, who cares about my look, life must go on!

Surely I am making the right decision as I managed to complete lodging my application without further tears trickling down my cheeks. I felt relieved but scared at the same time. Why scared you may ask, this is after all my biggest and gutsy decision. The title of 'separated' is really not a good added clause in your CV. Because people do judge, am sure of it. I felt ungrateful because that is what he has planted in my mind. Ungrateful or not, I do not deserve to be treated like a low caste woman. I have my pride, I have my beauty, my morale is exceptional, I am loyal; what else does a man needs? You can carry on with your pride, your nest and pests, your arrogance and your ego!

I walked out PROUD! this is the new me, little may be but I have a big heart. God helped me yet again (thank you, always). HE is definitely present all the time I was doubting myself. His guidance was so clear. This is only the little step I've made today. The process is still long! Meanwhile, I will ask from God for forgiveness, to be healed as I am weary, mind, body and spirit!

There he is again my Angel of Hope, always believing in me. He couldn't give me for what I want but sure God is working through him. I know he is loyal to God, humble and strong in the Lord! I pray to Jesus, may his loyalty will be rewarded one day and he too can embrace the grace from God! HE will provide and never doubt, God has never forsaken His loyal follower.